Peonies and Popsicles

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"Home"

May 30, 2016
Where you live is supposed to be your home, somewhere you go for peace and solace. I dread going "home" every day after work. This is one of the main reasons my depression is so bad right now. I can't move out on my own because I can't find anything that I can afford on my income. Everything has become so expensive, and I feel trapped.
 
When I was a teenager, really all of my childhood, we lived in the country at least 30 minutes from shopping or "town". I hated it. As an adult I have always lived in "town" close to restaurants and shopping. Now I feel like I'm that 14 year old again stuck out in the boonies, and with my depression so severe, I sleep to escape. Jake was with Pat this weekend and I slept from Friday around 8:00 pm until Saturday at 5 pm. I got up for an hour or two and then went back to bed and slept until 2 pm Sunday afternoon. Of course, I can't do this when Jake is home, but I push my limits, which is so unfair to him.
 
My mom has become this person who doesn't care about cleaning and has developed some habits I won't even discuss here. It's very hard to get her to get rid of clutter and for me this is overwhelming. The times I've tried cleaning, you couldn't tell it the next day, and when I try to throw away something it doesn't go over well. I've seen her slip things in her bedroom that she wants to keep that really should be tossed. In an effort to get the house ready to sell (I've persuaded her that she doesn't need such a large house.), we've been going through everything. There have been tears because she didn't want to get rid of something, and I've had to reason with her the best I can that downsizing means minimizing what you have and who on earth needs 6 sets of china? We have had garage/estate sales, we're up to 4 and will have a 5th this weekend. Eventually what's not sold has to go to Good Will or somewhere like that, and she cringes at the thought of it and not making any money off of something. We also argue over pricing everything because she thinks things are worth way more than they are. We lose sales because she prices things way to high and it's even been embarrassing. I hate going back to someone behind her back to tell them we'll take a lesser amount if they're still interested. To date, she has made close to $4,000 between all the sales, and once said we had "piddly" yard sales.
 
What we have cleaned out so far isn't even the worst of it. We will need a huge dumpster placed on the property to clean out the two outbuildings and junk that's been tossed in the yard randomly. Talk about overwhelming. This is all before we can even consider putting a "for sale" sign up on the property.
 
I love my mother, but I am overwhelmed by the habits she has picked up over the years. It's very hard to live in a place that is so cluttered and quite honestly, I hate it.
 
I need your prayers and good thoughts that I can pull out of this depression for Jake's sake and that I get through all of the work in front of us regarding selling the house.. I've been working with my doctor on meds, but I'm not having much luck, as I've tried everything. We are now working on a combination of two meds to see if that will have any effect. I certainly hope something works.
 
ETA: I certainly don't mean to sound ungrateful to my mom for letting Jake and I live with her. We would have been homeless had she not. I am truly grateful.

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You have been in my thoughts a lot the last couple of weeks. I will add you to my prayers sweetie and hope you're able to get through all the clutter with your sanity intact. If you ever need to vent, you know where to find me. Huge hugs hun.



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