Peonies and Popsicles

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Peeking Through

November 16, 2015

Depression and anxiety have kept me, the real me, from truly being around. The pretender me is here, barely making it through the days, neglecting so many things I should do, and worst of all not really being there for Jake.

Driving is causing high anxiety.  With so many more miles to drive living with my mother, I'm in a constant frenzy inside.  My forehead is practically against the windshield; I'm sitting so far up into the dashboard because I can't relax.   

I wake up in the mornings at the magic time of 4 am and can't go back to sleep.  I lay there thinking of every excuse NOT to go to work.  Last week, Wednesday, there was no way I was going.  I made up a lame excuse and called my boss.  There was no way that I was able to drive Jake to school either, so I kept him home with me. I can't describe those feelings where you know you can't function and there's simply nothing you can do about it.  This morning, I didn't even bother with makeup and most who know me would know I'd never go to work without makeup.  

I'm headed back to my family doctor today to check on my meds and see what can be tweaked.  So many medications FOR depression and anxiety can WORSEN the symptoms, so that may be an issue here, and the thoughts of starting a new med is enough to raise my anxiety ten-fold.  If you're familiar with depression and anxiety, you know that could mean a period of time where you're worse before you're better and it is tough to get through.

What's so difficult to handle is that every now and then the real me will peek through.  It's a tiny peek, but it happens, so I hope with all my being that perhaps with a teak of the medications, the peep hole will open up even bigger.  It's that person who can get me through the day to day struggles.  It's that person who will work hard to get herself out of her mother's and back out on her own. Badly, I need her back.

 

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