Peonies and Popsicles

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Where is my faith?

My grandmother is a Godly woman.  Faithfully, every night, she kneels by her bed and prays for her family and friends.  When I would stay with her during the summer as a kid, she would put me to bed, kneel there by me, and we'd say our prayers together.  I was young, probably no older than 10 or 12.  I really didn't know how to pray; I prayed the "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayer.  At the end, we'd add God bless Mama, Daddy, etc., and I was so afraid I'd leave someone off my lengthy list.  Back then, the prayer had the line in it "if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord, my soul to take."  They've changed it because I guess it's scary?  No, I KNOW it's a little scary.  At least it was to me.

I remember going to church when we were young, and even at that young age, I couldn't wrap my head around an old man with a beard in the clouds or a horned, pointed tail devil living in the bowels of the earth.

As an adult, I've tried to find that true faith like my grandmother, and her mother, and even my great-great grandmother.  Some of my cousins have this faith in God.  My father has great faith that, honestly, is beyond my comprehension. 

I believe in the golden rule, Karma if you will, but sometime I'm not sure Karma comes around like it should.  I love Random Acts of Kindness, and perform them often.  I do my best to put good out into the Universe, but faith in a man in the clouds and a book that is supposedly his word written by his followers told what to say or inspired by Him to write? A book that has been translated over and over for thousands of years?  I don't know.

The Bible forbids divorce yet people do it daily.  You are also NOT to remarry.  A man isn't supposed to have sex with a menstruating woman or sit where she has sat.  Is it okay to pick and choose what you abide by from the Bible?  Love thy neighbor?  Most people hate anyone who is not like them.  And religion has been at the root of more wars than not.  Can't wrap my head around it.

When the movie Noah was in theaters, Bill Maher asked how could anyone believe that a man in his hundreds and his sons in their hundreds were asked by God to build a boat big enough to hold their families and 2 of every animal species on earth and do it in a day's time.  PLUS, this would mean that every animal species would have to be indigenous within five miles of where they were building the boat.  Hard to believe, I think.

More people have been killed in the name of God and religion throughout the centuries than we can fathom.  Modern day churches seem almost like religious businesses.  Their congregations number in the thousands, they build bigger and better facilities, and it's all in the name of God. 

I can say I've been blessed and my prayers have been answered, but at the same time, I wonder if that's true or things happened simply because I did them or figured out the problem on my own. 

I guess I'm agnostic.  I don't know if God exists.  I don't know why I can't simply believe other than there are questions,l scientifically and otherwise, that I'd like answers to or that the answers to prove otherwise. 

I could say I'm atheist, but there's that small bit of me that would like to find that faith that so many seem to have. 

I'm rambling in this post, I know, but this is a tough subject.  I have friends who are agnostic, atheist, somewhere in between it all, and some who show more faith than I could imagine having. Where and how do you find your faith?  How do you hold onto it in rough times? 

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We love you Jan no matter what you do or how you feel, we are not here to judge you. I think one day you realize that there is a God and that he loves you. We all sin but thanks to Jesus we can be forgiven. One day something terrible will happen, something terrible happens to everyone eventually, and when that time comes you will turn to God because he will be the only one who can help you, or to help you understand why it happened and how to live with it. You are good person with a good heart, I will pray for you. Try reading the book of Luke. Love You!

Until you ask Jesus to come into your life, and ask for forgiveness of your sins, then you will never have any piece.
There are too many people praying for you, and God is going to keep knocking at your door until you let him in. Taking Jake to church is your main responsibility to him, and you will find what you need there too. If I can help you let me know. Sarah